sisters are pains.

Samantha- I love that little girl to death. But lately it seems she wants more to do with Debra then her own sister. What happen to that little girl that i used to take care of when she was little. What happen to our big sis / lil sis bracelets that we were supposed to hang on too. What happen to her? Why the hell is she growing up so fast? I remember her being that baby that i would feed and get dress every morning. I wish i could be in Alabama for her but the simple fact of the matter is i cant stand being with Debra. If i could change time i would of taken off with my siblings and i so that we wouldn't get taking away and we wouldn't be diverted into different lives it seems like. If only at that time i was just a little bit more older and a little less dumber. I miss her truly and love her to death. I feel i did what was best for me, but if she is going to stay mad at me for this its only going to tear me apart on the inside. Why is life so ugly?

Sarah - I love Sarah and i tried for my longest to stick around her & helping the baby. I don't think she appreciated it enough. Between her and Jessie thinking I am so damn spoiled all the time it is making me a bad person. To me your not spoiled unless you have at least one of your biological parents living in the same house as you are in. <-- now thats one spoiled person. For me that chance seemed like it came and then left before my eyes. I'd fight everybody to get that chance in life again but sadly it wont happen. Just b/c i have a cell phone now means nothing really id rather have my family back. That also doesn't mean they have to pull a guilt trip on me. Sorry Sarah & Jessie for coming in and taking over your parents. LIFE IS SO UNFAIR! I am not using nothing but there love, something from a adult that i have never gotten in awhile. But i must say having a father and a mother bond with my aunt & uncle is kinda nice. For the longest i was never able to allow myself to attach with any other adult. I've also had really bad trust issues, though its all new and im still figuring out right and wrong i cant never be replaced with either of yall. Both yall came from them and i simply wasn't. But Jessie needs to get over herself. If she wanted a parent bond then she should of never gaven bullshit to the ones she "loves," i did it to Debra but that wasn't my family. Sarah, whom i love with all my heart can get on a persons nerves a lot. "I'm so glad your not my kid!" well i really dont wanna be b/c i know i wouldn't of gone through all this. Nothing toward Sarah though. And technically i would of never became strong as i am today if i didn't. I also learned a lot of my cleaning skills in foster care. And the thing that pisses me off the most is she comes into the house where she no longer lives and starts giving us commands. (Like the dog poop!) <-- that was not needed for. I have a hard time with adult authority toward some people. & sorry but Debra didn't give you the power of attorney it was giving directly to Auntie & Uncle. I understand if you dont want me around sometimes but you saying it in words can actually let me know that im not wanted forever.

Are we supposed to go through family like we do our friends?

MOMMY & DADDY!

Lately i have been thinking alot more about my mama more then i have done before. I do miss her and love her dearly. Sometimes i maybe talking ish about her and stuff but the past she put me in is still taking a toll on my life. I guess thats the whole reason i dont want kids is because i dont want to be a fail parent like my parents where to me. I cant see myself having to deal with the social workers in the bad way. Alot of time I've thought about having kids i just cant see it though because of the stuff i went through when i was little. Also i dont think my kids are going to have a cute trait from my side of the jeans. I also feel that if i do i will have a father that has bailed out on my child like both my parents did to me. I dont want a child from me brought into this earth because i already know its going to go wrong some how. I have the worst luck ever.

But if i was pregnant and/or ever got i wouldn't dare get an abortion or give my kid up for adoption because this whole foster home situation has to be the hardest situation my family and i have gone through. Its a hard world out there and i have not prepared life for nothing.

If i was asked to life on my own though at a young age i feel i could do it. Life is met to go through rough situations and the more that is build up the more strength you get. I have been the one having to put on a cold front for everyone. Especially my daddy Robert and I have had to be the strongest out there for him. I know if i was told to live alone i could do it and i wouldn't do any harm. Sometimes i think my whole living situation would be better. The house would be clean all the time and i could actually work and focus at school. I wouldn't waist my money on dumb crap like drugs or alcohol.

Some ppl are just different but i wish that sometimes i could just be grown up now.

Mhmm. SMH

So lately i been thinking when we all get together on family holidays everyone will have a mother to be with for their holiday and my siblings and I are unfortunate not to have one. Its finna be a hard time but im going to need some way to get over that fact.

Yesterday ( August 7, 2010) there was a party that i went to. I met some really neat boys and got the chance to chill with a lot of females and also my cousin. The whole time though it was hard because i was missing my best male friend his name is Dexter. I really wish i didn't have to move away because of the friends i lost. Although i still talk to them its nothing like when i used to hang out with them. For the longest i did think Dexter hated me, boy was i wrong.! yesh. My mind sometimes doesn't work right. I'm glad we are just friends and know that right now nothing is going to happen between us as a relationship goes. Maybe one day we can just be close again.(:
Yesterday my dumb phone also broke. I was so mad, but i noticed im different in a bad way with out it.

JESSIE TOPIC!!! - I live with my uncle fathers daughter, Jessie, She is 17 years old but somedays i feel that im more older then her because she is such a little kid. She maybe smarter and know a larger vocabulary then i do but that just means she takes school a little more seriously then i do. She doesn't know how to have fun but thats her missing out not me. I dont know how i made it this far living in the house with her. Its been 3 months and its been the hardest 3 months outta my life here having to deal with her. I think it will be better once she moves out. I so cant wait (:

UGHH!! so recently i have decided that i have been wanting to loose weight i think i am fat. I dont care what anyone thinks. I want to drop 30 pounds before school starts . I hope i can live up to it. I hate being fat.

Friends til death.!

Well Deshun and I broke up. I knew it was coming but like every girl we dont want to see the end. With out him i feel like the same person and although i felt it was going to last i knew that i would find better. The whole time i was sad about him i would always go and rely on the 2 boys that are my best friends that i can trust the most. Josh and Dexter! Josh has always been there for me since day one and i trust him to death. He was number one in my shout out by the way! His mama has been so supportive of me and helped me out when i was going through hard times. I love his mommy. She is like my very own. I can tell Josh anything and always will know that i am his sister no matter what. We may have our ups and downs and pretend to fight but its life. I approve of his girlfriend but in the beginning i had thought that she stole my lil bruhh away from me. But we still make it a habit to talk everyday. Dexter!!! Dexter is an amazing friend that I have liked for the longest. Since we walked into math class together it was those eye that caught my attention towards him. He will always be like best friend / brother to me as well. Those words he preaches to me about is exactly why i go to him for anything when i need someone great to talk too. I must admit i do like dexter but i know as long as im living here i cant do nothing but continue being his friend. But maybe just maybe in the future we will be a couple one day. I hope so though, because he makes me happy. It was nice going to school with them and they are truly being missed alot by me. It makes me sad knowing in the people i just may miss out on this year. I love you dino & pooh.

auntie Marilyn

your the most important thing in my life you are really important to me and your always going to stay in this special place in my heart and never going to leave. You are strong and were my inspiration. I wish you could of stayed alive. I know cancer is a bitch and i wish it didn't really happen to you. I love you to death.

For you I will.

All the moments that we are apart,

I will always know we are the first in each others heart.

I love you more then you will ever know,

Sometimes i know i may not show.

No matter what anyone else thinks or says,

Your worth each tear that i shed.

I cant wait until we are actually together,

And i know that when that happens it will be forever.

Nothing can ever get in between you and I,

Not even if one of us was to die.

YOur worth more then a million bucks,

With out you present in my life i know it will suck.

I can not wait until we are married,

The love i have for you will not change from what i had already carried.

Your my boo for ever in a life time,

& i would do anything for you even if that ment a crime.

Uncle father.

My uncle is crazy & he is driving should i be trusting him.? Yes i do trust him; lol. That is like a father i have never had and i wish i had him from the beginning. He is such a responsible man and a wonderful uncle, father, person, and a easy person to get along with. Anytime you need to talk he has his ears open for you. He is a great source for entertainment and loves to read me Dr. Seuss books. He knows how to spell my name too unlike my REAL father a.k.a the sperm donor father of mine. I love you though Uncle father.